Honestly...everything feels like it's crashing down on my head right now. It's getting late in the month and I don't have money enough to pay any of my bills. I can't get over stupid personal issues. There is alot of drama in my household...
I decided I don't want to hang around here anymore. I'm moving back to LA first chance I get...I've been debating it for a long time, but I need to get out of this mess, and it seems like the only logical way. I'm never happy in one place for long, especially when there isn't anything or anybody holding me there.
I've realized a few things about myself I didn't notice before...I thought I was finally happy about myself, and then I realized that it's easy to think things like that when you're as closed off from the world as I am. I don't let anyone in...it makes it easier not to get your feelings hurt, or to be disappointed when things don't work out. But the VERY few times I ever do let people in...even slightly, it turns out badly. I guess I should let myself out there a little more, but that thought is even scarier than spending the rest of my life alone! I don't like feeling vulnerable...I guess that it's cause I am afraid of losing the people I let in...I'm not sure exactly. Lately, for no specific reason, I just feel like crying. I mean, I know in a way, I am disappointed, whether it's in myself or in someone else, I couldn't say...maybe a little bit of both? I need to get myself a distraction. Music used to be my distraction, but I feel like I lose it more and more every day, and that missing piece of my life makes everything seem more acute...well, not everything, just when I get sad. Lame, I feel pathetic writing all this...but I don't expect anyone to read it, so who cares? haha.
Well, that's all I can think of right now...besides the fact that I think Adam Lambert ought to win American Idol. I love him, he's my fave!
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