Family

Sometimes I feel like I don't have any family left.

I mean technically, I only have two people in my real family left, and my mom isn't very motherly since she got married. Me and my sister hardly talk about anything, I'm closer with my friends than my sister. I know she feels the same way about her friends...

My moms husband hates that I have my own opinions and that I am not afraid to voice them. I think he prefers women to be tolerant and followers, as opposed to a strong open-minded leader. I don't back down from anything easily, and it drives him crazy. AND everytime he starts going off about his bullshit ideas, and I say what I think, my mom gets pissed at ME! Even though my ideas are way more logical and much more thought through. Ofcourse, you don't know that, you basically have to take my word for it, but it's true...haha.

Well, it makes me feel like the woman that used to be there, is completely gone, and now she's just a shell of that and is being controlled by him. It's so annoying. But what can I do? If she is happy being that way, then I guess I have to let her be that way and lose my mom. And completely ignore the idea that if she didn't want to be a mother for the rest of her life, than she shouldn't have had kids. We are supposed to come first! Especially since she's only known him for like 5 years.

GRRR!

Out Of Town

So I am currently visiting my aunt. Her house is amazing. She's got a beautiful pool, and get this...instead of water with chlorine in it, she has a saltwater pool! I've never heard of such a thing, but it's quite fantastic, and my hair looked pretty cute once it dried! haha.

She's got a baby grand, and an excercise room too!

Well anyways, I don't know how much fun I can have here considering I'm also with my parents, which means I have to be on good behavior and NO SMOKING! You have no idea how shitty that thought is! A whole week without smoking! I might die. But I can't say it's a bad thing.

Besides that, I've been working lately, and just living I guess. That's all with me. I'm excited to see the area and hopefully move down soon. A new area is what I need, full of people I don't know, noone who knows anything about me. It sounds like utopia ;)

I'll update soon, when something good goes down in these parts.

Ciao,
Lola

Another I just did

Dirty Hands

Just a frightened little girl,
Looking for a clue about the future,
Stumbling through the world,
Not sure what exactly to look for.

She’s tried her hands at love,
But it never turned out right,
So she chose to stay quiet,
And shut her feelings up tight.

She’s tried her hands at independence,
But found just how cold the world can be,
So she ran back to her broken home,
Waiting to find how to live happily.

Now patience seems like a cruel irony,
What should she be waiting for?
For her, ignorance is worse than knowledge,
Wandering through life always unsure.

And with dirty hands she walks,
Brave, but forever mystified,
Aware that she’ll end up somewhere,
Knowing that at least…she tried.

New Poem

Don’t Be Sorry, Change Your Actions

I bought it,
I bought your false sincerity,
I couldn’t see your true identity,
Well call me gullible,
Cause I bought it.
I bought your lies,
And now I cry,
I sit alone at night and I cry,
Cause I bought it.

You don’t have to prove anything to me,
I can tell that your obsessed with her,
It’s quite clear to see,
Just don’t come crawling back to me,
When you find out she doesn’t size up
Because she can’t be me,
Someday you’ll agree.
And you’ll find out unhappily,
That I’m nowhere in your vicinity.

I bought it,
I bought your false sincerity,
I couldn’t see your true identity,
Well call me gullible,
Cause I bought it.
I bought your lies,
And now I cry,
I sit alone at night and I cry,
Cause I bought it.

You didn’t break my heart,
So don’t tell me your sorry,
I’m not impressed with your bullshit story,
I let you have all of me,
Now you’ll see what it’s like to have me,
As your enemy,
It was all just an immature game,
So don’t get mad cause I have
Every right to act the same.

I bought it,
I bought your false sincerity,
I couldn’t see your true identity,
Well call me gullible,
Cause I bought it.
I bought your lies,
And now I cry,
I sit alone at night and I cry,
Cause I bought it.

my bad.

Hey guys,

sorry I haven't updated in a while.

so...I GOT A JOB!!! Forever21 (my favorite store ever!) is opening up in the old Gottschalks building in SLO and I got a job there! i don't know exactly when it's opening, but i'm way excited! retail is probably shitty, but i get to run around, and dress cute, and socialize a bit, so im way happy!
I cant wait!

but i also have the option to move to temecula where my aunt lives...she said she can get me a full-time job at verizon where the pay would be around 15-18 bucks an hour, so i'm sort of torn.

things around here haven't been so great, so the thought of being able to get up and leave is really tempting. it's not LA, but it's not the CC either. i just dont know :/

i really liked this boy, but he doesn't like me, and it really sucks. its been quite a while since me and my ex broke up...almost a year, and i hadn't found ANYONE worth giving a shot, and the only one i found doesn't feel the same way. but i'm a strong girl, so i'll live, ya know?

anyways, i have to go do some singing now, so i'll update more intricately later.

love ya,
lola